SPIRITUALITY

  

 

SPIRITUALITY

By 

Janiel Mae Lopez 

 

Spirituality is such a powerful word for me. It took a lot of nightmares and facing my own self, mentally, physically, and spiritually, to finally ask God to guide me.

No more complaining but really asking for certain guidance because I feel like every demon from my nightmares has come to get me every single night. They laughed and literally pulled my leg, and I just had to pray Our Father over and over again to wake myself up. 

At first I'm scared of anything spirit-related. I grew up knowing spirits are like those scary ghosts who are out to get me. I can't even sleep when the light is off. because I always dreamt or heard certain things when I was a little kid. 

And I got so scared that I didn't want to either close my eyes or pluck my ears. That is why every horror story that I watched in the past feels so real because I know spirits are real. Because according to the Bible that I read, we all have a spirit within us. Not gonna lie, it took 27 years of my life to realize maybe, just maybe, we can all co-exist by acknowledging every spirit, the good and the bad. 

People might call it witchcraft, but is it really? When we pray, we also cast a spell from every word we convey. We also repeat some verses to make the prayer much more powerful. The logic is every religion will always be connected to spirituality whether we like it or not. 

There is a higher being that we all know deep in our hearts. It does exist because how could it not be? I ask myself every time I'm having a hard time and praying to God to help me at that moment. I don't know how, but I plead and plead inside my head. And God answers me with a certain luck or a random solution to my problem that I never thought possible. Like, for instance, someone is being a difficult person, and it's getting harder for me to empathize with them. 

I pray to God to every negative thought that is seeping inside my mind to forgive me and send this person the most authentic healing they can ever have from God and the universe. because we all deserve the same love from God. Like just magic, that person suddenly stopped bothering me, or if God is being funny, I'll find a random 50,000 won or a 20,000 won, and it happened three times in different events. 

Like God is rewarding me for something I endured and learned from. God is truly funny but fair for the right reasons. And I just can't help but smile until I got home because God is always protecting me. Not in a I am the kindest person ever; I will not go to hell, but in a God is the best best friend I ever had. 

 

At first I wonder about the word Best? and then add a friend into it. And I'm like, I never had a friend for 10 years, or since childhood, that I still have today. But wow, I do have God beside me. I started calling God my best friend when I was selectively mute in public due to my own severe shyness. The moment I'm out of my house, I can see every face with different emotions, and it scares me. Like, why am I too sensitive? Why am I so weird with humanity?

Why does it make them angry when I look  them in the eyes? Like it's my fault to see the truth. I question myself and even start to just talk to my teddy bears like Mr. . Bean and Teddy. I did have one. I played very well alone. I imagine talking to someone; I imagine the stuffed toys talk, and we all have a great time. I guess that's how my maladaptive dreaming starts. Anywhere Anytime I can just start to zone out and go inwards and play a scene inside my head that feels so real that I sometimes forget that it's not. That I was playing alone in my room and everybody thinks I'm weird. 

I do wish I had someone like me when I was a kid. To talk about space and nature and weird, silly, mundane things. But I didn't have that. I only have my imagination and Catholicism to introduce God to me. I may not be a devoted Catholic, but I learned a lot of things from that religion. I respect it, but for me, my religion is just God.

Fast forward to early adulthood. God re-introduced him/her. I don't think God has a gender, so let's just say God keeps knocking at my door literally every night of my nightmares. That went on repeat until I started learning more about spirituality and seeking God more through bibles, history books, documentaries, aliens, and science. Philosophy books, self-help books. Every book that my gut wants me to read made me closer to God. 

The more I learn and truly live my life. The more my heart started to calm down. The negative emotions that mock me every night, the spiritual beings who kept messing up my sleep by laying on me or, worse, laughing and suffocating me to death. Slowly disappears, and as I learn about the good spirits within and around us. God sent me Howie, the first puppy that I loved and cherished. She showed me what unconditional love is. 

The love I watched from movies and the books I read. I finally felt that unconditional love. That when she died, I dreamt about her standing outside my door like a form of goodbye. She feels like a very wise, feisty dog. Like an old woman energy. 

Maybe, just maybe, she is part of my spirit guides. And her mission for me to feel true love is finished. I cried every single minute when I thought about her. It felt like God gave me flowers and took them where I can't find them just to see it was replanted from the ground. 

I mourned every night until God gave me Chairo, my baby boy, the most babiest puppy I ever known, and on that day I promised myself to do my very best not to see him die in front of me. Whenever he gets sick, I'll do every Google search and dog frequency I can find and hold his hand until he gets better. 

He almost died one time. Like he was so sick and weak and hadn't finished his puppy injections yet, and I was so worried to the point I force-fed him with sugar/rice and water to help him get his energy back. As we lay on the makeup bed near the sofa, I held him while he was sleeping, and I prayed to God as hard as I could. "Please, please, God, don't let him die; he deserves to live more. Please, God, don't take him. not yet, please... I'll do whatever you want; just don't take the only being who truly loves me," I said as I held Chairo in my arms.

I fell asleep crying, and the moment I woke up, Chairo was suddenly eating a lot and running around like a brand new puppy. And I cried so much thanking God inside my head every time I looked at Chairo. I did notice that Chairo's eyes change. Before it was pure and innocent, but when we looked at each other, or when I caught him looking at me. There is a deep knowing look he gives me that was not there before he almost died. Maybe, just maybe, God sent another spirit guide. Because of Chairo and what happened to Howie, I learned how to love and be loved. 

 

So if you ask me what spirituality is,? It's Love.