Normal is not normal

 NORMAL IS NOT NORMAL 

if people think it's normal. to be in a relationship just because people said so. Because if you are not, you're weird.

Can we even normalize falling in love and knowing the difference between infatuation, toxic love, etc., and crushes? Can we normalize not diving into a relationship?

To be honest, when I meet new people, I don't even ask their relationship status. I'm just saying if we vibe, we vibe (I don't see them as a love interest, more like friendship), and if you don't, I won't even hate you for not liking me. We all have different tastes; that is why I stop myself from asking others about what I should do because I know it won't align with me, and I end up being a people pleaser in the process. No, thank you.

but at least learn the etiquette to tell others what you truly feel. Because I think that is a respectful and classy way to honor everyone's individuality.

I talked to someone today on a language exchange thing, and we suddenly got into the topic about his first love and recent breakup, and he thanked me for listening because he really needed it. It's no problem. I told him I'm really into psychology and behaviorism, so I do not mind talking about random deep stuff.

But I do resonate with the feeling of not deserving someone's affection, the feeling of someone showing you how much they love you, and you don't know what to do. But with all of my experiences, I do know I have an avoidant attachment. I try not to get too deep because if I do, I will love them like my puppies, and I love them till I die. So that is a level I should pour myself first rather than others so I can be strong enough to give and accept love.

But the root of it all is seeing my vulnerability as a weakness for so long. I get scolded when I whine and cry about what makes me really sad when I was a kid. I never remember a comforting word nor a hug. Maybe my grandfather, who died, I believe, is still looking after me and visits me in my dreams on his death anniversary.

That is why I hate crying in public; I would rather cry in silence or alone. in the shower where I can cry my eyes out. But recently I began to understand the science of crying. like how it releases the cortisol hormones. I kept in certain emotions; I just know my body will warn me, and I will always try to self-medicate physically but never mentally.

I just really have to release every sadness and anger like a kid again.

and be happy and honor my inner child

who I tried to ignore for so long.

When I let myself feel too much again, like in Alice in Wonderland, I almost lost my muchiness and thought like how others think, even though in the back of my mind. I know I'm not heartless. I know I'm not into that overindulged luxury attitude people all have nowadays. I don't really judge if you worked hard for it and who are truly happy with it.

Then enjoy it because we all deserve to live in what makes us happy in the first thing we wake up.

But if it's a conditioning behavior from society, family, or friends, then try to face yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, "What is my purpose? What makes me truly happy without caring about the comments of others? Do I even love myself?" ask the right questions.

But for me, luxury is comfort, warmth, space (privacy), art, and my recent discovery, deep emotions (passion) and genuine love.

I kept observing people's eyes as my own. muy complicado! Life is a complex battle between wants and needs. right and wrong.

But I do feel sad for people who look at me like I am the problem but never look in the mirror and ask? Why am I judging this person just because they don't try to talk to me or express emotions directly? I guess I do scare people to the point of dislike. Haha, that's kind of entertaining but draining to those who did. I lost count of hearing people in the restroom and telling their friends they don't like me. And I'm like, Do you ask if I like you? And if you did, I might tell you the truth in your face.

My sign is that when I look at them in the eyes and they can't, I know this person is talking too much shit about me.

I guess I can be weird that way.

Maybe, just maybe, the energy you give is so fake I'd rather face the wall. The pros and cons of feeling too much energy are knowing how fake and genuine it can be.